This is the complete text of "Chicken Soup for Your Big Fat Ass," as it appears in Crystal Drum # 70.
CHICKEN SOUP FOR YOUR BIG FAT ASS
Y
our big fat ass is so sad. Your big fat ass is in the balcony watching a blonde movie star. Your big fat ass digs this blonde movie star. We will not embarrass your big fat ass by revealing the name of the blonde movie star. Oh hell, it is BRAD PITT. Brad Pitt would never look twice at your big fat ass and your big fat ass knows it. Thatís why your big fat ass is so sad. You know what? We need to have A FEW WORDS with your big fat ass. But your big fat ass will not listen. Your big fat ass will not even sit down with us if it suspects we are going to get personal. Well, too bad for your big fat ass. BecauseÖ we have heated up some CHICKEN SOUP for your big fat ass! It is delicious chicken soup. Hey, your big fat ass-- psst! Címere! Weíve got something youíll like. And no, itís not Brad Pitt! Can you guess what it is, your big fat ass? Itís CHICKEN SOUP! Nothing is better for a big fat ass than chicken soup. And look-- a pretty pink spoon, with a DUCK on the handle!

Y
our big fat ass shouldnít slurp the chicken soup. I learned about chicken soup from Heloise. She is one smart cookie. If I were a Paleolithic cannibal, I would KILL Heloise and EAT her BRAIN so that her incredible knowledge and power would become part of me. But I am not a Paleolithic cannibal. I wonder-- which would be worse-- to be a Paleolithic cannibal, or to be your big fat ass? I wonder if there is a 900 number to call and register your vote. If you think it would be worse to be a Paleolithic cannibal, dial 1-900-CHOW. If you think it would be worse to be your big fat ass, dial 1-900-BUTT. Each call costs 50 cents. 50 cents is too much just to register your vote, though. Only an idiot would do that. Well, I might do it once or twice, but only an idiot would do it more than that.

O
kay!You've had the chicken soup. Doesnít your big fat ass feel better now? Chicken soup is wonderful. You know what? I would like to go out with your big fat ass. I know I am no Brad Pitt, but I am not so bad. Actually in some ways I am even BETTER than Brad Pitt. Anyway forget about Brad Pitt. Your big fat ass and I could go cow tipping. Or we could go to my friend Vicís apartment, I have a key, and fool around on his waterbed. Or we could kill Heloise and eat her brain. It is important to have a dream. Once I had a dream about this donut. I looked it up in my sister's dream book. You know what it said? Well, never mind. I think my sister's dream book was written by a crazy person. He probably thinks the government is controlling him by shooting radio waves into his brain. Anyway, wipe away those tears, your big fat ass. Let's go to your favorite restaurant. Let's order the special. We'll paint the town red. Did you know I speak Spanish and French? Well, not fluently, but well enough to order something in a French or Spanish restaurant. In French I would say "Su Grande Fat Ass." I don't know how to say 'fat' or 'ass' in French, but I would say it with a French accent and nobody would know the difference. The Italics mean I really lay the accent on thick for that part. The waiter probably doesn't speak French anyway. And fuck him if he does, he's just a waiter. But we should be nice to him, and maybe he will let you use your pretty pink spoon with the DUCK on the handle. Go put on some make-up, your big fat ass, and I will make reservations and also call my friend Vic.

S
ee you later, everybody! Your big fat ass and I will be back around 3. Or maybe not. Donít wait up.

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