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TRANSCRIPT OF SUMMIT THREAT LEVEL COLOR CODING CONFERENCE, 01/13/10 (excerpt)

 

 

 

MAYOR GLATT: I don’t understand why we need 133 colors…

 

CHIEF DISHER: If I may, sir, that’s 133 not counting the ‘Gem Tones’, which—

 

MAYOR GLATT: Gem Tones?

 

CHIEF DISHER: …Which indicate threat levels specific to Summit’s Sherpa-American community. To whom I would like at this time to say, ‘¡Hola, mi amigos!’

 

MAYOR GLATT: (unintelligible)

 

CHIEF DISHER: Bless you.

 

MAYOR GLATT: You’ve got all the (unintelligible) colors of the (unintelligible)  rainbow here, in one, one, one SECTOR… What are these SECTORS? What does this say? “N.T.F.F.R.D.R.A.T.T.L.I.I.S.N.”?

 

CHIEF DISHER: Yes sir. That is “Near The Something Something Randall Disher Residence, Although Technically The Lease Is In Sharona’s Name.”

 

MAYOR GLATT: For the love of…

 

CHIEF DISHER: I do not recall at this time what the “F”s stood for, sir, but the acronym is unwieldy in any case and needs to be streamlined.

 

MAYOR GLATT: (unintelligible)

 

CHIEF DISHER: The highest numbers indicate imminent and extremely hazardous biological or nuclear agents, such as causing death [SIC] or producing longer term mutations, as in the Japanese documentary “The Manster,” in which the biological agent is introduced into the body of the subject via hypodermic needle after which he sprouts an eye on his shoulder, which then grows into an entire head with these gnarly teeth, and eventually he splits into two separate beings, one human, one ‘manster,’ although they are both wearing pants. That would constitute threat level 132. Sir, this may be a little off-topic, but have you seen the infomercial for “P90X?” Do you think a person could really get totally ripped in just 90 days?

 

MAYOR GLATT: What if the police chief is a moron? What level would that be?

 

CHIEF DISHER: I would estimate somewhere around level 114, “Thistle,” depending.

 

MAYOR GLATT: (unintelligible)