…to see the new Charlie Kaufman/Coen Brothers plays

Winning bid: US $306.34

That’s right, one lucky lady could be this gorilla… for a price!

Yes, the winner of this auction will actually get to live out every woman’s fantasy, by having an actual DATE with every girl’s dream… PAUL PROCH (woo-hoo!) – which will include attending the April 28, 2005, OPENING NIGHT WORLD PREMIERE in BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, of the new CHARLIE KAUFMAN/COEN BROTHERS live theatrical event "THEATRE FOR THE NEW EAR" starring MERYL STREEP, STEVE BUSCEMI, PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, HOPE DAVIS, PETER DINKLAGE, JOHN GOODMAN, MARCIA GAY HARDEN AND BROOKE SMITH, with live music by CARTER BURWELL. "Theatre for the New Ear" is comprised of two plays: "HOPE LEAVES THE THEATER" WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY CHARLIE KAUFMAN (ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND; BEING JOHN MALKOVICH), and "SAWBONES" WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY THE COEN BROTHERS (BARTON FINK; FARGO). Starts at 8:00 PM.

ABOUT ME, PAUL PROCH: A drinker, a gambler, a ladies’ man… celebrated wit, infamous reprobate, unrepentant roué, Cossack stooge… these are just some of the epithets often used (mostly by myself) to describe me, the internationally-known artist PAUL PROCH (ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND; WING-DING AT UNCLE TUG’S). I, PAUL PROCH, am also a writer, psychologist (sort of), armchair astrophysicist, poet manqué, filmmaker manqué, saxophonist manqué, monkey manqué, and philosopher (in my own oblique way). I, PAUL PROCH, am Master Cylinder of the World Blemph-O Foundation, an ordained minister (weddings a specialty), man of the house, the boy who cried wolf, Tom-Tom the piper’s son, a being of pure but inferior intellect, and a sophisticated man about… well, let’s just say I’m a man, about. I still have most of my own teeth.

ABOUT THE DATE: Your NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT will commence when you rendezvous with me, PAUL PROCH, at a convenient pre-arranged location. Then you will accompany me, PAUL PROCH, to the garden spot of the world – BROOKLYN, USA – for the opening night world premiere of "Theatre for the New Ear" at the ST. ANN’S WAREHOUSE theater (we’ll have to be there by 7:00 PM, since the tickets are "Will Call" and will be waiting for us at the box office). Following the play, we will be transported, as if by magic throw rug, but in reality by the fabled New York City Subway System’s exotic L line, or "Hell Train," to the 7th Avenue and 14th Street stop, where we will change trains and be further transported to mid-town Manhattan for a light dinner (and I do mean light – around 20-25 bucks oughta do it) at the BROOKLYN DINER on West 57th street (the Brooklyn Diner is in Manhattan? Has the whole world gone mad?!). Then we will repair to the nearby Hilton Hotel’s elegant cocktail lounge, Bridges, for a

SOOTHING NIGHTCAP (you’ll need it after a date with me, PAUL PROCH). The winning bidder’s ticket to "Theatre for the New Ear," subway fare, dinner and nightcap are ALL INCLUDED GRATIS… compliments of me, PAUL PROCH!

Then, weary and languid as your NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT nears its conclusion, I will leave you with a waggish "adieu" and your treasured memories of a NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT. After that, you’re on your own. After all, I have to get up and go to work thin the morning. I need my rest—I’m not a machine, you know.

In addition, your entire NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT will be fully documented by PAUL PROCH’s personal team of photographers (his sister and her husband).

This auction open to women only. No kidding. And ages 25 – 50 only, please.

PAYMENT must be received by me by April 27, 2005, preferably through PayPal. Sorry, no personal checks.

Please e-mail me, PAUL PROCH, with any questions, to negotiate any special conditions for the date or alternate arrangements for payment:



  1. The date does not include your transportation to the initial, agreed-upon convenient meeting location, or your return. So if you’re in California, or Guadalajara, or Moscow, or some other ridiculous place outside of New York City, you’ll have to get here and back on your own… what am I, Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan Al Nahyan all of a sudden?
  • 2. The word "date" as used here in no way implies the expectation, possibility, intention or solicitation of anything except what is explicitly stated in this ad – including but not limited to the following: monkey and/or funny business, dalliance, carrying on, messing around, spooning, billing and/or cooing, osculation, deosculation, kitchy-kitchy-koo, shenanigans, coquetry, dandling, canoodling, bundling, cosseting, shimmy-shammy, hanky-panky, or whoopee.
  • Void where prohibited by law.